E. du Perron
Oxford, 23 oktober 1929
Mercredi - 10h.
My dear Edward, -
First I'm as happy as three lords. - Secondly, your calculations as to my height must be wrong somehow. Suzette is 1m.63 - & she says I must be about 1.m.59 as she is bigger than me. There! Isn't that topping that the Fates allow one to be smaller - since you prefer it thus? - There are thousands of things to answer in your letters - I'll do that tonight - & just talk generally for the moment. - So you are married (at least I think so). C'est - dommage - because on reading your letters, I had to sob quite a lot & utter lots of ‘oh's’ to get my breath - & to get rid of a funny sensation inside which made me long to howl desperately. I don't know what all that is - only if you could have put your arms round me, it would have made things better - & put my breath right - & the funny sensation. It was awful not to be near you. - Now that I know you're married, I'll have to put up with the suffocating feeling - as even if you wanted to take me in your arms, it wouldn't be quite franc jeu for your wife. Does she love you? You don't seem to love her. - Oh, my dear. - I wouldn't want you to smooth my hair if you were here: I would want to put my arms round you & hold you hard for ever. - I'm being frank as ever - as we decided. - By the way, I didn't weep this morning when I got your letters. I merely - groaned - like Peter when he's having hurtful dreams. Besides, I should have burst if I hadn't. -
I'm very much ashamed of myself. Never mind. I'll go & kick myself hard & - work - so as to be a worthy recipient of the Fates' good things. - Do you know, somebody was telling me that once during the War, when he had horrible funk because he thought he was going to be blown up, he prayed. - Tight corners merely make me blaspheme against God (or the Universal Harmony) - but spots of happiness make me want to pray - that is, to be tranquil & to fit in with the jolly old ‘harmony.’ -
Suzette says she would like to look like me - that I am not here ideal type of beauty - but that you will like the look of me. As I said before, I'm quite agreeable - looking. I've got nice eyes.
I'm going to work now - & not be a weak-kneed young fool - because I happen to - like you. The Biblical kind of love - every kind of love - means strength. Peter, my dog, the best thing I've got & the only thing that would horribly hurt me if it went, makes me feel that way. -
Come. I'll answer all your questions when I've done some work.
I would like to cry, I wish to heaven I wasn't British - & then I might. -
Isn't this - awful? -
Origineel: Den Haag, Letterkundig Museum